In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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