If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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