I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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