I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize