life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
