tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
