its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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