What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What drink are we having for lunch?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
