bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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