My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to calm my uterus...
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