Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
