Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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