it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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