sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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