Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
