The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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