Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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