your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
