Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
