I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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