Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
