Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
