i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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