you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
