He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
