I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
