Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
