So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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