your parents love me but you hate me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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