My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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