As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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