The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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