i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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