Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
