i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
