i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
