why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
