So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
