Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He's a Shit stain on my heart
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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