i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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