my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
