It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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