At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
