what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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