if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
