Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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