omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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