Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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