Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
