My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
