You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
