It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
