Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
