Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In other news, I just burned my penis
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
