The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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