Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
