I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
